Wednesday, October 29, 2014

What No One Tells You About Having A Baby. For Real.



In Honor of my BFF, a list of things you should know. 

In no particular order. 

And not for the faint of heart. 

So, faint of heart, please click off of this page now. 

But, Some weird shit happens. 

Nobody shared it with me.

But I am breaking the cycle. 

If you are pregnant, don't be scared. 

But read on. LOL.


1. There Will Be Blood. Nobody talks about this part. I mean really. You know it's coming, but I feel like there should be a more in depth explanation of this scary shit. So here's the deal: there are clots. Big ones. Umm. Fruit Size. No Joke. Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, perhaps? Yes. And it looks like your guts are completely falling out of your body. But, alas, they are not. So when this happens, do not freak. You have been warned. 

2. Uncontrollable Body Shit. As in, puking. Teeth Chattering. Freezing. Burning Up. All normal. All happen. You can't control it. I was a little freaked out when the very second that Bean was born, I was so overwhelmingly nauseous that I barely got out "I'm going to puke!" before I was, well, puking. Into a bedpan. How nice. Welcome to the world little baby, you make me puke. Oh yes, one more thing. Weird ass contraction type things. After the baby is born. Also normal. These actually hurt me worse than the contractions I had before Bean was born. Don't ask me. I just work here. 

3.The Hospital Stay Pretty Much Sucks Ass.  There is no resting. Don't believe that BS. From the moment you pop that baby out, you will be poked, prodded, visited, photographed, bothered, woke up, etc for the next probably 48 hours. As soon as you shut your eyes to rest, a nurse will come in to do some painful thing to your body. Or a lovely visitor will come and want to bother you. It doesn't end there. Fill out this paper. Sign this. What do you want to eat? Sigh.I was really lucky that my hospital had a "quiet time" from 2-4 where no one was allowed to bother new mommies. This was great and I was guaranteed two hours of rest each day. Other than that, I couldn't sleep. It's just too much. Even after they were born and I was exhausted, it was just too much of a shock for me to sleep. I just sat there and stared at them for hours. So no, you probably won't rest. 

4. Nurses Will Be Weird. They are going to push on your belly. Hard. It's going to hurt bad. They will check your stitches if you have them, and change your pad. You will chat about passing gas. They will ask you a million times if you have pooped yet. (Pooping is a very big deal! Everyone gets very excited after the first poop!) All of this is normal, and both times my nurses were wonderful and made my hospital stay so much nicer! Also, don't be afraid to ask the nurses if you need/want something. My nurses heard me talking about being so hungry, and brought me a giant folder full of take out menus from restaurants that would deliver to the hospital. I thought that was super sweet! 

5.Sometimes It Gets Scary. I had to be hooked up to an oxygen mask at one point, and have 3 different monitors placed on Bean when he was still in my tummy. No one really explained this to me and I was afraid we were dying or something. Turns out, all normal. So, for the record, things that would normally be scary are all fair game in the labor and delivery ward. 


6.But It's Pretty Fucking Awesome. So try to enjoy it. It really is an amazing experience. I was so scared with Tater that I just sat there and did whatever they told me. But I was much more present with Bean. I was actually the one that cut the cord! I don't know why but I felt so good after I had him, I was up, showering, getting dressed, even putting on makeup. It was totally weird. It is such an odd feeling to experience your body doing something totally beyond your control, something that it was "made" to do. My best advice is to try to soak it all in and enjoy it if you possibly can, because yeah it hurts and sucks and all that, but April 24, 2006, and May 30, 2010 are BY FAR the two best days of my life, and always will be! 






6 comments:

  1. What a fun post! It has been almost 36 years since I had my last baby. Yes, back in the olden days before epidurals ultrsounds and monitors. When you were shaved stem to stern and that awful enema given the minute you arrived at the hospital in labor. Yep, those were the good 'ole days!

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  2. Hey - fellow MomDotter here. This post is SO true. I had no idea what was going to happen when I got prego - wish I had read this 12 years ago LOL I havent been "right" since LOL

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  3. Lol…there is lots more no one told me either. Why so secretive??

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  4. yeah pretty much pregnancy blows.

    trisha
    momdot.com

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  5. They also don't give out instruction manuals at the end. They just pop the baby in your arms and say "Bye!"

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